Getting Free from Shame/Fear/Control

Getting free from the shame/fear/control stronghold we've been talking about this week generally takes help/ministry from a friend, pastor, counselor, or all of the above. That's just the way it is. We'd like to do it ourselves so we don't expose our shame about having shame. Doh! Do you see the cycle playing itself out even in trying to get free from it?

Opening up to another person about all this kicks fear in the head, because we're taking the risk. And without fear, shame has no power, and we have no need to control. Taking that risk is an act of faith; we're trusting God to keep us safe, rather than doing it ourselves.

And there's another key reason to involve someone else in our process of getting free. We got into the clutches of the shame/fear/control stronghold by believing lies, by being deceived. There's a funny thing about being deceived – we don't know we're deceived. By definition – think about what the word “deceived” means. So it's easy to think we've gotten free from it when we really haven't. We all need a trusted circle (at least one person but hopefully a few) who will tell us the truth that no one else will.

The big thing is praying to replace ungodly beliefs with godly ones. While you're praying, renounce the ungodly belief as a lie (out loud), and state the godly belief that you now believe (out loud). The person praying with you can pronounce freedom to you. (“Confess your sins one to another” James 5:16.)

This is very powerful stuff. It's not about saying magic words. It's about saying out-loud what you believe in your heart, and hearing someone else say out loud their blessing over us. Because we have governmental authority (see my post on this subject, here's the link: http://www.davewernli.com/2014/07/we-have-governmental-authority.html).

I cannot recommend this highly enough. It may seem a little strange at first – but trust me on this one. It is so much better to be free – you'll be so glad you did.

God's Truth over Shame/Fear/Control

Monday we talked about the shame/fear/control stronghold (scroll down to see that post). Today we'll talk about how to defeat it. It's all about agreement – who are we going to agree with? The ungodly beliefs that give shame/fear/control legal right to oppress us, or God's truth – what he says about us.

Here's what shame/fear/control says versus what God says.

Shame says, “I am uniquely flawed; no one is as bad as me.” God says, “No temptation has overtaken me except what is common to mankind” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Shame says, “I am fatally flawed; no one can fix me.” God says, “By his strips I am healed” (1 Peter 2:24). God says, “He was pierced for my transgressions, the weight of my sin was upon him” (Isaiah 53:5). God says, “He became sin for me” (1 Corinthians 5:21).

Shame says, “I am something bad.” Godly conviction says. “I did something bad” (1 John 1:8-10). God says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). God says he loves us (Psalm 139, Ephesians 1:3-14, 1 John 3:1, and many, many more).

Fear and control say, “I have to control my circumstances and situations.” God says, “I should cast all my cares on him because he cares for me” (1 Peter 5:7).

Fear and control say, “I have to make sure I enough with my own hand.” God says, “He will supply my every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

So you decide. Who are you going to believe?

The Shame/Fear/Control Stronghold

Shame is the lie that we are uniquely & fatally flawed. Uniquely flawed – no one else is as bad as me. I'm the only one who feels this way, the only one who is this bad. Fatally flawed – I'm unfixable, I can't get healed from this, so the best I can do is hide it so no one else knows.

So we live in fear that someone else will find out, that our shame will be exposed. So we control our environment – our lives and the people around us – to prevent anyone from finding out. Sometimes we turn into people pleasers, agreeing with the group or person we're with at the time to be accepted. Sometimes we turn into perfectionist performers, trying desperately to appear good enough to hide that we're not. Sometimes we turn completely immoral – better to let the world see the shame I want to show them rather then the shame I'm trying to hide: “You won't see that if I show you this.”

The shame/fear/control stronghold is one of the most effective strategies the enemy has to keep Christians from living out who they really are. If the enemy can't defeat your salvation, he at minimum wants to neutralize your giftings and steal your destiny. Because you living out who you really are, who God's called you to be, literally scares the Heaven out of him.

We all have it, to one degree or another. Stay tuned – Wednesday we'll talk about how to defeat it.

Intimacy Wants To, Not Has To

Obedience is easy when you're in passionate love. In fact, we don't even think of it as “obedience.” We so want to please our lover that anything we even get the inkling they would like we are totally ready to do. And more. “Really? That's all you want? You can have more. I can do more.”

We try to invent ways to please them, to surprise them with what we did, just to see them smile. If what they want us to do is also actually good for us, that's a bonus. We'd have done it anyway.

That's the way our morality should be with God. If we obey his laws and follows his ways from a place of intimacy, deep lover-passion, it's not burdensome, which it's not anyway because his laws are good for us. Unless we're deceived, then it can be burdensome.

But in the truth of his intimacy, it's a delight. Pleasing him brings us closer to him, our lover. And we're disappointed we can't do more, because we want to be even closer to him.

It's not about “earning” closeness to him, or doing good to get close. It's about doing good because we are already so close. Out of love, not obligation. It's a world of difference in perspective.

Intimacy Serves

The mark of our intimacy with Jesus is not how awesome our experiences with him are. Nor how long they are. Nor how often.

The mark of our intimacy with him is how we serve others. The Bible says it better than I ever could:

“The son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45).

“[Jesus], who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:6-7).

“In humility, consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3b)

We reflect the person we spend time around the most. Jesus was the biggest servant humanity ever saw or ever will. If we truly have intimacy with him, we'll show that by serving those around us, and loving doing so.

Identity from Intimacy

Who we really are, our true identity, flows out of spending time with Jesus.

The world shouts at us constantly. Lies about who we are. Lies about how to be who we are told we want to be. Contradictory lies, one for every possible vulnerability. The enemy only has to win once.

But Jesus whispers who we are. Who we really are. Who he created us to be. Our true destiny. Constantly. Consistently.

If someone's shouting and someone's whispering, you have to be really close to the whisperer to hear them. And we will eventually believe the one we hear the most.

Finding our true destiny depends on our intimacy with Jesus.

The Power of Agreement

We forget who we are sometimes. It's easy to do. We get caught up in our schedule, our commute, all the demands placed on us. The emergency trip to the craft store for the school project assigned a week ago that our child just told us about now, due tomorrow of course. Kid stuff. Family stuff. Work stuff. Accident blocking the interstate, tripling our commute. Kidney stone. Flu. Worse, kid with flu.

All of these are legitimate things that we have to deal with. There's a country song that goes, “Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.” Great song. But we are made in the image of the Living God. We are never the bug, no matter what happens.

We have governmental authority over the atmosphere around us. Not over the circumstances – God appoints the times and seasons – God chooses where (that is, in what circumstances) he appoints us. But in those circumstances, he appoints us as his government. (See my post http://www.davewernli.com/2014/07/we-have-governmental-authority.html for the scripture about our governmental authority.)

Anyone who's ever worked for the US Federal Government knows that when governmental bodies are in full agreement, it is a powerful (and rare) thing. When the Legislative, Executive, and Judicial branches agree on something, it's the Law of the Land, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. When government agencies agree to cooperate, they can put in place tremendously effective programs to catch bad guys.

In the Kingdom of God, it takes far less people, and our agreement is even more powerful. Listen to this: “If any two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matthew 18:19-20 NIV) Jesus himself said that.

In our own lives and the atmosphere that surrounds our lives, it only takes one. Ourselves. Agreeing with God, or not. Every moment of every day, we are either agreeing with what God says about the situation, or we are agreeing with what the enemy says about the situation.

Let's agree to agree with God and what God says. It's harder but more effective. In the end, we'll be glad we did. That's faith, you see. And Jesus always responds to faith.

Such A Time As This

“Who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14b NIV). Mordecai said that to his niece, Queen Esther, to encourage her and strengthen her heart.

She needed it. She alone, of all Israel, was in a position to speak to King Xerxes and stop the planned slaughter of the Jews in Persia. Uncle Mort was asking her to do to a very dangerous thing – appear before the King without being summoned. She had a very good, legitimate reason for not wanting to do that. Normally that would get you killed.

But then again, normally the original queen would never have been deposed. Normally, a Jewish peasant girl (who hid she was Jewish) would not be chosen to be in the replacement harem. And normally, that same said Jewish peasant girl would not be chosen to be the new queen, right at the same time there was a plot afoot to murder all the Jews. Nothing about this was normal.

How about us here in America? The freest, greatest country in the world, looked to as the world leader. Yet we're tearing ourselves apart, embroiled in a fierce culture war, and righteousness appears to be losing. There's nothing normal about this.

Do we remember who we are? “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land” (2 Chronicles 7:14). It doesn't matter what the pagans do; it matters what we as the Church does. It's a call to sell out completely as disciples of Jesus, pursuing intimacy with him above all else. Deciding to agree with him about all issues whether we understand, agree, or dislike his answer or not, dying to ourselves and our precious American rights.

It's exciting, really, to be on the cusp of changing a culture back to God. Who knows but that we have come to our present position for such a time as this?

Has Jesus Suffered Enough?

Someone hurt me really bad. Really, really, bad. Betrayal bad. Someone close to me, someone I trusted implicitly. You know those times when you're hurt so bad you can hardly breathe? Then they were unrepentant and the pain went on and on.

I knew I should forgive. I said the words. I tried to feel it in my heart. But the next day it would come up again. Forgiveness is a process. I would forgive again, do my best to let it go, but, boy, did that person owe me.

Then a Christian counselor taught me that the person is not the evil they did to me. Yes, they did evil to me, no doubt about it. But the person is not the evil they did. She taught me that once we can acknowledge that, then we can come to a place where the person doesn't owe us anything.

While she was teaching me, I had a vision. Not an open vision or anything, just in my mind's eye. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross, and he asked me, “Have I suffered enough to pay you back for what that person did to you?”

The question shocked me. I knew Jesus died for my sins against God, but it never occurred to me that he died for other people's sins against me. “Yes, Jesus, of course,” was all I could say. And I meant it. Instantly, the feeling that the person owed me a debt vanished. I can honestly say I felt like they didn't owe me a thing. It was the most freeing feeling in the world!

That person's sin is now between them and God. I'm out of it. Even if they are still bound by their sin, I'm not bound by it anymore. And I can pray blessing for that person.

That's forgiveness. Not that I'm patting myself on the back or anything. The point here is if I could learn it, so can you.  

The Cop-Out of “Don't Judge Me”

Does not judging mean I have to tolerate abuse or evil behavior against me? The perps would like us to think so. Abusers pervert the whole “don't judge” principle to their unholy advantage. So let's get this sorted out and bring some balance here.

Judging, accountability, and our emotions are all totally independent. Our society, and even the church, constantly gets these confused. You can forgive someone and hence not be judging them, while at the same time holding them accountable for their behavior, while still being angry and hurt. If their behavior was criminal, you can prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law while completely forgiving them.

We should always hold abusers and criminals accountable for their behavior, for two main reasons:

1. To protect others from being victimized like we were.
2. So (hopefully) the person, when confronted with their sin, repents and turns to the Lord who sets them free from it, healing them from the pain in their lives that made them vulnerable to that sin in the first place.

Working through our emotions over the matter is totally separate from whether we hold the other person accountable or not. If the sin against us was grievous, we may need to walk our emotions through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Get Christian counseling, inner healing, deliverance, probably all of the above, whatever help you need to work through it. It's normal to need help to work through the emotions in a healthy way. An excellent plan is to work with both a Christian counselor and your Pastor.

Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending it never happened and or not holding the person accountable. It means releasing them from owing us anything for it. Because we realize they are not what they do. We can still set healthy boundaries as long as our heart is right – not to punish them but either to (1) keep ourselves safe, or (2) hold them accountable (for example, if it's an authority-to-subordinate relationship like parent-child or employer-employee).

Judging and forgiving are not activities centered in our emotions, but in our will. They have nothing to do with how we feel about the person who hurt us. They have everything to do with what we choose to believe about that person. They have everything to do with what we declare about that person.

So what do we declare about the person who wronged us? Are they the evil they did to us? That's judging. Or can we declare that they are not the evil they did to us? That's forgiveness. It really is that simple (but it's not easy).

Mercy toward others triumphs over the judgement we deserve.

Law of Relationships #4 of 4

You become what you judge. When I first heard this, I took some convincing. But they showed it to me in the Word of God: Romans 2:1 says, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” See? You become what you judge.

Since learning about this, I have witnessed it to be true, both in my own life and in the lives of those close to me. When we harbor resentment and judgment, we will eventually start doing the same things, and eventually become what we hated.

If it's not too corny, think about this. Even George Lucas has figured this out. It's the theme of the Star Wars movie Return of the Jedi. Luke's vengeance against his father (Darth Vader) gives him the opportunity to become his father. This is the choice Luke must make at the end of the movie – to complete his judgement on his father, and hence become him, or to forgive his father. And it's the power of Luke's forgiveness that frees his father from his deception, and he saves Luke. But whether Luke lived or died, he still made the better choice. Better to die at the hands of Emperor Palpatine than to live as Darth Vader II.

Judgment sets us up to become what we hated. This is why forgiveness is so vitally important. It releases us from repeating the evil done to us.

Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13b NIV).

Law of Relationships #3 of 4

Don't judge, or you'll be judged. This is an example of sowing and reaping (see Friday's blog http://www.davewernli.com/2014/10/law-of-relationships-2-of-4.html).

Judging and forgiving are complete opposites. When someone does evil against us, we are either doing one or the other. But we'll get to this in a couple of days. This relationship law goes far beyond evil done to us. Because unfortunately, our judging often goes far beyond evil done to us.

We judge things we don't like, even though the person isn't doing anything to us. We sometimes make our personal preferences into idols, and then our self-righteousness makes them doctrine to impose on others. At that point, we've become Pharisees, who made the Traditions of the Elders equal to the Law of Moses (Matthew 15:1-6).

Churches have split over the style of music or the color of the carpet. Ever condemn a style of music you didn't like? If the words are sinful, then the words are certainly wrong, but not the style. The style, the instrumental music itself, is ok even if we don't personally like it.

So if it's something that doesn't affect us, if it isn't in black 'n' white contradiction to the Word of God, and if it isn't self-destructive behavior, we're better of dropping it. It's probably just our personal preference. And we'll receive the same grace from God we give the other person (or not).

Mercy triumphs over judgment.